You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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