i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
