how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
