Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
