i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
is wine microwaveable?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
