The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
