Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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