WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
