Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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