Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
