she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
