Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
