He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He? As in you personified your dick?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
