Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
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