My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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