need another drink. this is the easiest way
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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