that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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