He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
