he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Bring me that man meat
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
