The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
