Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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