I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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