listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
