I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
