i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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