Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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