Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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