fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
