he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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