Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
