He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
why do cheetos always look like penises
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
