nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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