Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
