Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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