if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
