WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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