We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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