Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
