i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
