You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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