Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
