peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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