I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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