You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
