I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
