life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I will pee on everything he values.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
