he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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