im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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