Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
