note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just invented taco cereal.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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