sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Randomize