I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
