He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
