i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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