dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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