were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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