Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
