I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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