I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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